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“Reprogram your relationship.”

“Reprogram your relationship.”

That’s what my mother said to do.

Sometimes we fall in love with men that don’t act right.  They are selfish, unkind at times, and downright disrespectful even.  Or sometimes they just can’t seem to give themselves to you.  Whatever the case, my mom’s got a solution for you: kick his ass to the curb.

Lol.  I love my mother’s advice, although I am weary due to her own present day single status.  But up until now, I would say she’s on to something.

I never saw myself being played like some “bitch” over a guy, but sure enough, it happened (to the best of us They say).  Being late, not showing up at all, and just straight up not making a priority out of me…  I am a woman of action so if it’s not being done, then it’s not being felt, and that’s what hurts the most.  Time and time again, for a year, this guy let me down.

It was new behavior to me because since we were 9, he had always did what he said he was going to do; and to his credit yes, we’ve had some wonderful times together in the past year.  But I am a Taurus and we like consistency.  Moreover, I think any human being could appreciate that.  Not to say that people don’t make mistakes, but not the same ones over and over again.  After a while it just becomes careless and I care, f*ck that.

So I walked away… and I’m lonely as hell.  But not as lonely as I was before.  I still love him and he knows this, but I don’t speak to him because I can’t hear his voice.  I canceled plans to visit because the sight of his big sexy self will surely cause temporary amnesia; and sure enough, he’ll be back at that silly, inconsiderate behavior again.

This is long distance, might I add, and we aren’t in a committed relationship.  We are just to old friends who’ve gotten together somewhat recently, had sex, and have casually discussed marriage.  Yea I know, marriage.  Really?  But this is his doing, not mine.  Game… could be.  Honestly, I hope it’s not.  Why, I don’t know.  I love him?

I do… since the 3rd grade.  We’ve gone our separate ways throughout the years, but he’s always found me.  This time it was on Skype.  🙂

See! That smile right there.  That’s what I can’t help.  If I could draw a picture of a beautiful man, it would look like him.  Big, strong and healthy, deep black skin.  Ooh! Don’t get me started… Girl, bye. smh lol

He was the first time I ever fell in love with dark skin.  I had 2 boyfriends at the time, him and a light-skinned boy.  Up until that point, all of the boys I liked were light skin with curly hair.  He was chocolate with a fade.  (The last time I saw him, I rubbed Shea butter on that skin and it came to LIFE.)  He made me choose, him or Light Skin.  I chose him.

His mind is instinctual.  He thinks for himself.  He knows me, so he respects my mind, admires it even.  I love it when he looks at me, like he can’t believe what’s in front of his eyes.   He supports me in my work and keeps me focused.  But he sucks at keeping time and promises.  That’s big.

He says he wants to marry me and has been saying that since we were little.  But this is the first time it ever meant anything to me and this was the first time he actually discussed us being meant for one another.  I want to marry for love.  But not if love comes with constant heartache.  I understand marriage works in cycles (says my Godmother), but I can’t deal with no man I can’t believe in.  Period.

So what do I do?  I wait.  Why?  Because I can’t stop thinking about him; and because I’m even starting to think that it may be unfair to spend time with another man right now.  It’s not their fault they’re not him and I can’t have conversation without leading them on.  Even for men that are fine as hell, I’m so lack luster.  We shall see in the future of course but as for now, I’m involuntarily waiting.

We chose not to commit because of the distance obviously, we’re human.  We both need to finish school.  I  know he’s sorry and that’s great, but I need time; and quite frankly, so does he.  He is still a young man.  He needs time to take care of himself.  Until then, who knows what will happen.  2 years is a long time.  A lot can change. I can change.

So ode to the single 40 something year olds out there who are still holding it down for high standards, which is really a misnomer.  We are leaders, mothers, God workers and the anchor to the human family tree.  Respect yourself.

And stop watching these TV shows and reading these books that perpetuate this narrative of unhealthy black love.  I challenge the popular mantra and argue that black love is beyond a marital license, especially since we weren’t always allowed to have one.  Draw a picture of that.

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2 responses »

  1. I love this… period. Yes, maintain those high standards (even when facing the chocolate)

    Reply

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