On being American & considering marriage to a Kuwaiti National Guardsman: I’m not mad at him; I just know we can’t be together.

I’m not mad at him; I just know we can’t be together.

I know he wants forever, connection with me. I know he dreams; but he also knows his reality.

We could kiss forever, admire one another eternally. We could bring forth children that were clever, critical thinkers and free.

We could encourage the health of one another with the meals that we’ve cooked, making sure to never overlook the sweet pleasures in life. I could have been his wife.

He could have been my man, my helping hand, my lover’s rock. Too bad it didn’t happen though.

Too bad money became his captain, his guiding seas. Too bad he loved his money more than he loved me.

It’s too bad he lives in a country that suppresses his liberty, a place where his employer controls his matrimony. Beginning a marriage with an American is a felony… unless you start all over again.

And Again was something he couldn’t do. Couldn’t throw away 5 years of hard work just to be with his boo. Couldn’t stand not being a bread winning man, not even just for a few. He needed to take care of me, protect me, guide me, whatever he needed to do.

When a man needs help, it’s hard to come to, because he has to allow his woman to be strong, to take care of him too.

All easier said than done. I’ve come to a place where I know what I want. Or should I say, what I need, because I can’t stay with a man that won’t commit to me.

More than a pretty ring or a wedding invitation, I need someone that’s going to assist in the creation of a unit: 1 family, 1 home, 1 lifetime.  I need him to bank on our time spent together.  I need him to adore me even through stormy weather.

But I’m a traveling woman and a traveling woman must find doors to walk through, always seeking the next level, unless… he came along, or I was willing to stay. Either way, we had some serious decisions to make.

So he chose is money, his security and his 5 years of hard work. He chose to base our future on his potential income instead of basing it on my worth.

What’s a risk taken without a commitment to see it through? A bluff to give time, time to enjoy the woman who’s willing put in effort, effort to support you, with or without your ability to financially contribute. But you’re only in this as long as your money plans work out for you, because if they don’t, we’re over and this just wont continue.

And for that reason honey, I’m not mad at you. I just know that our time is up, and we can’t be together.

Traveling Woman: a poem by FeministLiving

Walking through life one heal click at a time

allowing my mind to travel ahead of me,

hunting for lessons of wisdom.

I keep my head down sometimes to keep from tripping over the uneven pavement,

bumping into the stop sign at the corner.

And yes it’s true, I do still love her.

But I’m new now! Embracing my body and feeling my worth

with just enough love to give birth to serenity

despite all the shit I got to do.

Consciously uplifting psyche to get through the days news.

Jogging just a bit to pick up the pace

and I still can’t get there fast enough.

My heart knows my mind all to well and it’s calling my bluff

so I take 2 puffs and watch my troubles pillow float away.

With nothing left behind but Me

Wrapped up in Divinity and feeling the closeness of omnipotence.

I put God first and She revealed to me what love truly meant.

Not romance or slow jams to hum to.

Only the wind quest-steady around me,

aware of the realities that I succumb to.

I live my life inside of my shoes.

And while some call me near and others crazy,

I remain in the middle with some serious decisions to make.

I breathe deeply and take 2 more,

just to make sure that I transcend higher than this;

higher than wanting to be kissed by those who don’t matter.

Avoiding the noise of a heart once again, shattered.

But honestly, the clicking that I hear from the pump to the pavement

sounds much more promising than a rushed engagement to you,

or anyone else for that matter.

And if I had to choose between the 2,

I would choose the latter because Victory is closer here.

And no longer will I allow life to drive me into a brick wall.

Although sometimes my voice resonates with moans of fatigue,

nothing is greater than preserving myself for longevity

and I know this.

A lot to do with friends telling you to take one day at a time,

just to look up and see that I’ve fallen behind?

No, I refuse.  Move, that’s what I do.

Traveling in haste

I’m in a rush to make it to a new space.

A change of scenery.

A place where the sun can’t tell time

and the milk of my bosom feeds the minds of those who have thirst.

Where green really does grow on trees legally

and I can carry this earth in my purse.

My eyes are big in this place of awesomeness

Indulging in sweet sexual bliss and a kiss on the cheek

with dream catchers hanging above my bed so the past won’t bother me.

Money is nonexistent because wealth is always inside of me.

And this is a space where my favorite song plays.

Where my father establishes our history

and my mother decides to bless me no matter who I choose to fuck.

Girl, boy, mythical creature, whomever fills my cup.

But for right now I drive with caution through stormy weather

or at least the aftermath.

Because whoever said

a heart’s wisdom was a few short miles away?

Whomever promised a laugh?